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  • What is Held In and What is Held Out?

    What is Held In and What is Held Out?

    Many years ago, whilst immersed in a silent retreat, in the bathroom of all places, I asked a question as my partner at the time walked past. The answer resulted in everything disappearing, and I experienced that we are consciousness itself. I saw how lifetimes don’t exist, there is no time and no space it is simply all now, I saw how we are never born and never die — only the body does. I have never been the same since.

    The question was: How can I experience nothing when my enlightened teacher walks past, and nothing when my partner walks past?

    My whole being replied, “Because you are nothing.”

    I laughed so deeply and with pure joy that everything disappeared.

    As a therapist, and for many gurus, how do you invite someone — including yourself when the ego takes over again — to that place of consciousness itself? Simple, sublime; there is nothing and everything at the same time. We can point to it, yet the moment the mind tries to grasp it, we are back in the mind.

    How do we navigate feelings, thoughts, and pain bodies enough to quieten them so we can experience what never leaves us, what the mind continually overlooks in its searching?

    I have discovered a technique that honours the premise that we are simply energy vibrating at a certain frequency. Scientists understand this in terms of viruses. Each virus vibrates at a certain frequency. Thoughts vibrate at a certain frequency, and we can observe their effect on water. Feelings vibrate at a certain frequency, and we experience their effects within our bodies.

    They are like radio waves moving through us, but sometimes they get stuck and we begin vibrating at that frequency. This can be distressing because it is not the vibration of who we truly are. We call this suffering.

    This is what we hold in.

    Which also raises the question:

    What do you hold out?

    What delicious feelings, experiences, and sensations do you hold out?

    If radio waves come and go, then the good stuff moves through you too.

    Joel Young created a very quick technique called ‘Non-personal awareness’ that the mind will likely dismiss because of its simplicity. Yet it is a powerful process that meets the frequency of the thought, feeling, or pain body and disengages it from our being — in other words, sending it back where it came from, letting it move through you easefully.

    Want to know how?

    It is simple.

    It involves six sentences.

    Yep. Simple and elegant.

    Here’s how

    1. Firstly, grab a pen and paper, or journal or your phone so you can record your own dialogue.
    2. Secondly, think of something that challenges you, constricts you, that you hold in. Just vomit it onto the page, or by speaking into your phone on record, and see what words, feelings, behaviours, thoughts, sounds, movements appear that are paramount, repeated. What is the fundamental thing. It does not have to make sense. You do not have to analyse it or figure it out, it is just energy stuck.
    3. Take one of these which may have sounds and movements with it , without analysing it or trying to understand it or find parallels with your childhood, no interpretation needed, simply bring it into these sentences. For example, I may have deep feeling that people don’t care about me and a hand movement, and a sigh that goes with it.
      • Simply say (whilst adding the sigh and hand movement)
        • This people don’t care about me
        • This energy people don’t care about me
        • This pure energy people don’t care about me’
        • ‘This pure energy people don’t care about me is not personal’ (3 times)
        • This pure energy people don’t care about me is not personal’
        • This pure energy people don’t care about me is not personal’
        • This pure energy people don’t care about me is not personal and I am willing to experience it’
    4. Allow space for the sensations to arise, you can go as slow as you like. You may say the last sentence again.
    5. Wait until you feel the clarity appear again and maybe a natural aliveness arises.
    6. Now if energy is held in and it flows out, what is held out? What energy would you like to replace the energy that was held in that has now gone with? Maybe joy, ease, love, peace…find yours. Sometimes it arises naturally after the first part of the exercise. For example: ‘Connection’ arose after the first part of the exercise.
    7. Take this feeling, sensation, whatever it is and bring it into the same sentences:
      • Simply say (adding your feeling in)
        • ‘This connection’
        • ‘This energy of connection’
        • ‘This pure energy of connection’
        • ‘This pure energy of connection is not personal’ (3 times)
        • This pure energy of connection is not personal and I am willing to experience it’

    Simply notice what happens.

    There is no need for analysing, interpretation, or fixing.

    Simply experience the energy moving through you.

    Some people have trauma leave their body, which can be overwhelming, I would simply allow the body to shake, cry and not to fear the movement of the energy. Simply repeat the sentences slowly.

    30 Day Challenge

    In this time in history, we are continually bombarded by radio waves — information, thoughts, pain bodies, feelings, and countless electronic frequencies that can interfere with our connection to our own true vibrational frequency.

    Perhaps this is an opportunity.

    An opportunity to allow these energies to move out and to let who you truly are move in.

    So here is the challenge.

    For 30 days, use your phone, journal, or a piece of paper and spend just a few minutes each day with this process.

    Notice what you are holding in.

    Everyday bring something that you hold in to the challenge by using the non-personal awareness exercise. Remember to invite yourself to experience what you hold out too after you have completed the first round, or a few rounds of what energy you hold in.

    You may discover that the thoughts, feelings, stories, and sensations that once seemed so personal are simply energy moving through awareness.

    Perhaps beneath the noise, beneath the stories, beneath the endless radio waves moving through the mind and body, there is a natural clarity, aliveness, peace, love, connection, or joy waiting to be experienced.

    Not because you created it.

    Not because you earned it.

    But because it is already here.

    The challenge is simple.

    Thirty days.

    A few minutes a day.

    Six sentences.

    And a willingness to experience what arises.

    See what happens.

    Let’s share the energy and add your comments below

  • Moving In Tune with Your Ancestors

    Moving In Tune with Your Ancestors

    The idea that we are all connected becomes especially clear when we look at families and communities as living systems rather than just collections of individuals. Within a family, each person’s experiences, beliefs, and emotional patterns ripple outward, subtly shaping the behaviour and wellbeing of others—sometimes across generations. A parent’s unresolved stress can influence a child’s sense of safety; a grandparent’s migration story can shape values around survival, sacrifice, or belonging.

    These dynamics don’t exist in isolation, because families themselves are embedded within larger systems like culture, economy, and community networks. Communities, in turn, reinforce or challenge family patterns through shared norms, support structures, and collective experiences. When these systems are healthy and responsive, they can strengthen individuals by providing connection, identity, and resilience. When they are strained or fractured, they can perpetuate cycles of disadvantage or disconnection. In this way, individuals are both shaped by and contributors to the systems they belong to, constantly influencing and being influenced in an ongoing exchange.

    In this way, individuals are both shaped by and contributors to the systems they belong to, constantly influencing and being influenced in an ongoing exchange—and this interconnectedness extends beyond human systems to include the natural environment, where our wellbeing is intimately tied to the health of the ecosystems we depend on, from the air we breathe to the land and resources that sustain life.

    Family Constellations is a therapeutic approach that explores how hidden family dynamics, loyalties, and unresolved traumas shape our present-day behaviours, emotions, and relationships. Developed by Bert Hellinger, this method works on the premise that individuals are deeply connected to their family system across generations, often unconsciously carrying burdens that do not originate with them.

    In my article “I Will Do It for You, Even If It Costs Me,” I highlight one of the central themes in Family Constellations work: the unconscious loyalty that leads individuals to take on pain, hardship, or limitation on behalf of others in their family system. This phenomenon often manifests as a silent inner contract—an inherited belief that says, “If you suffered, I will suffer too,” or “I will carry this so you don’t have to.” While rooted in love and belonging, these patterns can become deeply limiting.

    The article illustrates how such loyalties may show up in everyday life. A person might struggle financially despite having opportunities, remain stuck in unhealthy relationships, or experience persistent feelings of guilt or anxiety without clear cause. Through the lens of Family Constellations, these struggles are not random; they may be expressions of unresolved family entanglements, where one family member unconsciously “represents” another’s fate.

    A key insight from the article is the idea that love, in these cases, becomes distorted. Instead of supporting growth and vitality, it binds individuals to past suffering. Family Constellations seeks to gently uncover these dynamics, often through experiential exercises where participants represent family members and reveal hidden connections. This process allows individuals to see their situation from a broader systemic perspective.

    Healing in this context does not come from rejecting one’s family, but from acknowledging what belongs to whom. Family Constellations emphasises that true resolution arises when individuals can honour their family members’ experiences without taking them on as their own. By doing so, they restore a natural order within the system—where each person carries their own fate, and love can flow more freely.

    Ultimately, “I Will Do It for You, Even If It Costs Me”sheds light on the powerful, often invisible forces of familial love and loyalty. It reminds us that while these bonds are essential to our sense of belonging, they can also limit us when expressed unconsciously. Family Constellations offers a pathway to transform these inherited patterns, enabling individuals to live more fully in their own lives rather than in service of unresolved pasts.

    SHORT VISUALISATION EXERCISE

    Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and bring your attention inward. Gently acknowledge that you are not alone, even in this moment—you are connected to a wider system that stands behind you. In your mind’s eye, imagine your family system: your parents behind you, and behind them their parents, extending back through generations. There is no need to know their stories in detail—simply sense their presence. Notice that life has flowed through each of them to reach you. Take a moment to internally say, “I honour your lives, your struggles, and your gifts. What belongs to you, I leave with you. What has been given in love, I receive with gratitude.”

    Now, expand your awareness to include the communities that have shaped you—friends, teachers, cultures, and places that have supported your growth. Acknowledge their influence and silently thank them for what they have contributed. Allow yourself to feel supported, as if you are standing within a field of connection rather than on your own.

    Finally, bring in the natural world around you. Imagine the ground beneath your feet, steady and holding you, the air filling your lungs, and the wider living environment that sustains your body and energy each day. Sense that you are part of this larger web of life, not separate from it. As you breathe, allow a feeling of alignment to settle in your body—supported from behind, connected around you, and grounded below. From this place, gently return to your day, carrying a quiet sense of strength, belonging, and clarity.

  • Reclaiming Eros

    Reclaiming Eros

    In a culture that favours and celebrates couples, how do we celebrate Valentines Day amongst a generation who are pair bonding less, how do we celebrate passion, romance, aliveness, attraction and fundamentally love?

    In a generation full of such uncertainty we can feed the fear or we can cultivate love and community. Therefore on Valentines Day let’s reclaim eros!

    Eros, in Greek mythology, is the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and the primal force that draws use together either romantically or cosmically. Eros is the longing that drives humans toward beauty, creativity, and even spiritual transcendence.

    Essentially Eros, is the quality of aliveness, vitality, and mystery that keeps us curious. In essence, Eros is the force of attraction itself—the spark that initiates connection, passion, and the creation of new life.

    Esther Perel highlights that eros is not simply about sexual desire or sex but is the dynamic energy that emerges when we can experience both connection and individuality at the same time.

    According to Perel it is:

    • The expression of our life energy. It is what makes us feel vibrant, creative, and turned on by life itself—not just by a partner.
    • Rooted in mystery and separateness. She often explains that while love seeks closeness and security, desire requires distance. Eros thrives in the space between two autonomous individuals.
    • Sustained by novelty and imagination. Predictability and routine can dull erotic energy; curiosity and surprise reignite it.
    • About wanting, not just having. Eros lives in anticipation, longing, and the tension between self and other.

    Reclaiming Eros in Personal Life

    How do we cultivate eros in our lives again?

    To reclaim eros is to reclaim our own sense of vitality. It means becoming a person who is engaged, passionate, curious, and sensually awake to life. To open to life as though it was your lover. To move, breathe and appreciate life in such a way that the mundane comes alive in the most subtle moments.

    I remember years ago I lawn mowed love hearts into the lawn, I painted a love story with my naked body on canvas, scattered rose petals, lit candles, cooked an aphrodisiac dish inspired by Isabel Allende’s book; ‘Aphrodite’…and so much more.

    How you cultivate eros in your daily life is unique, through art, dance, food, meditation, nature-based activities, self-pleasuring, taking yourself out on a date, or celebrating with friends, however it is, it is your way. Here are some ideas for daily practices that may help celebrate eros beyond the bedroom:

    1. Create Micro-Mysteries
    Resist over-sharing every thought and schedule. Allow space for individuality. Take a solo class. Change your routine. Let your partner (or the world) rediscover you.

    2. Cultivate Self-Expansion
    Desire is fuelled by growth. Try something that makes you slightly nervous—a dance class, public speaking, creative writing. When we feel alive in our own skin, we become magnetic.

    3. Practice Sensory Awareness
    Eros lives in the senses. Slow down while drinking your coffee. Notice textures, scents, music. Wear clothes that feel good on your body, not just practical.

    4. Invite Playfulness
    Flirt. Tease. Laugh. Play disrupts routine and invites spontaneity, which is essential for erotic energy. Be curious about others in public.

    5. Protect Time for Beauty
    Art, music, nature—these experiences awaken longing and inspiration. Beauty stirs eros because it reminds us that life is more than function.

    6. Maintain Healthy Distance
    Spend intentional time apart. As Perel suggests, “Fire needs air.” When we step away from constant proximity, we make room for anticipation.

    Eros as Personal Responsibility

    Reclaiming eros is not about demanding more excitement from others. It is about becoming someone who is engaged with life. When we nurture our own passions, creativity, and mystery, we invite desire back into our relationships naturally, starting with the relationship with yourself.

    Eros is less about what we do in private moments and more about how we inhabit our daily lives. It is the courage to remain curious. The willingness to open to life in new ways, celebrate the you are love and you have the freedom to pursue what makes us feel vibrantly alive.

    In a culture that prizes efficiency and productivity, choosing eros is almost radical. It asks us to slow down, to savour, to risk a little uncertainty.

    And perhaps that is the real invitation: not to chase the spark, but to become it!

    Honouring Eros!

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    Bibliography

    Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.