One of the questions asked in couple therapy is what connection rituals do you have? Keeping the juiciness of intimacy alive is paramount in sustaining couples in their challenging and stressful, worlds.
Maintaining a secure functioning relationship means taking care of the relationship with the understanding that ‘love is a verb’, as Esther Perel would say.
The avoidant-anxiously attached partner would normally run at the idea of ritual, as they often feel trapped and swamped by commitment, yet connection rituals free up time for more alone time. Rituals reduce the amount of avoidant’s deactivating strategies such as focusing on small imperfections, flirting with others, pulling away when things are going good, checking out mentally and avoiding physical closeness.
For the ambivalent-anxiously attached partner these rituals reduce protest behaviours such as excessive attempts to re-establish contact, punishing by withdrawing, keeping score, acting hostile, threatening to leave, manipulation and making the other feel jealous. These connection rituals soothe their fear of abandonment, relieving their nervous system to then allow more space in their life and their partners life.
Rituals are supportive for both partners nervous systems and essential in keeping the relationship connection alive and juicy.
THE BASICS
These little daily rituals create a big difference in relationships. We often create conflict due to the way we move towards and away from each other, it’s not personal, we are simply wired to each other for our survival. If partners do not manage these movements they start fighting due to the ruptures created and the need for connection or space.
- Launching the Day – What is one thing that you can do that creates that juicy connection with each other at the start of each day? For example: eye gazing in bed, coffee on the deck, a shower together, a morning walk, making love. Negotiate and agree upon a ritual that you both commit to every morning. As an avoidant I often feel like squirming out of this one as I like to go running or swimming early in the morning, disappearing into my own space, but I pay the price in my relationship if I do. I miss the juicy connectedness that energizes me for the day. So if you have an avoidant partner give them an escape route ie; “I don’t want to stop you from your day, you just need to give me a hug before you go”
- Welcome Home Hug – Our worlds are busy, there are a lot of issues to deal with throughout the day, decisions we have to make and pressures put on us creating stress. Calling upon each other to recalibrate ourselves from the demands of the day ensures we do not bring the stresses into the house and emotionally indulge in trying to get the feelings out. So the first thing on arriving home is to seek the other out and give each other a ‘Welcome Home Hug’. This is a hug where you don’t let go until the other is completely relaxed. One way of doing this is to relax your own nervous system and the other begins to relax (in this way we are using mirror neurons to recalibrate each other’s nervous system). “If In Doubt Hug it Out”
- Landing the Day Together – Soothing each other’s nervous system in the evening can include putting each other to bed, watching a movie together, walking in the evening, reading together, discussing your day. If you are parents with children, allocate a space in the house that when you are seated there you are not to be disturbed, unless it is very urgent! Discuss and negotiate this ritual with each other as it has to work for both. Also note that going to bed at the same time together means that you regulate each other’s nervous system so the one that usually is a night owl often finds they sleep better.
The key in establishing these rituals is the commitment by both of you in the relationship. If there is a mutual agreement then both are responsible for upholding it. If there is no agreement come back to the drawing board and find what works for you both. If one partner is not interested, you have a problem in the relationship being tipped towards ‘pro-self’ rather than ‘pro-team’.
Secure functioning relationships are based on mutuality, fairness, justice and sensitivity.
The motivation is that secure functioning relationships allow you both to be better in the world, achieve more, hold more, play more and work effectively as a team whist protecting each other in public and in private. Isn’t that the reason you are in a relationship? Remember, this is a ‘We’ gig not a ‘Me’ gig.
THE JUICE
Giving time for weekly rituals sustains your relationship so it sustains you, despite what an avoidantly attached partner thinks. It frees up resources to be able to be better in the world and with each other.
Ideas for rituals throughout the week could be
- Eye gazing (Soul gazing)– We all want to be seen, to feel as though we matter and thrive on secure connection. “I see YOU, you have my full attention” is portrayed in taking the time to really look at each other and breathe each other in.
- Random acts of affection – Long passionate kisses, flirting etc in private or public – check whether your partner is comfortable with signs of affection in public. This can be done whilst passing in the hall, or coming out of an office into the house and family.
- Shared Hobbies – what do you love doing together? Make time for this on a weekly basis.
- Plan for quality time over quantity – Saying when you need ME time/space or more connection. Negotiate connection and space from each other. Remember behaviour is propelled by needs. Therefore ask when there is a need for more connection or space rather than fighting for it.
- Making a meal and enjoying it together, switching off phones and screens just enjoying each other’s company.
- Cuddling in bed – Even when tired, making the effort to physically connect and hold each other.
- Radical Honesty – Energy is wasted by not being truthful. Relationship WE checkups. Not to be done in bed, find a space to do this and meet once a week. A question to ask is: How can I be better in our relationship? What have you loved me doing, or being this week?
- Exercise Together – What do you both like doing together? Create something and do it regularly. Examples are biking walks, kayaking, swimming followed by a meal a few times a week.
- Dates – whether it is for coffee, breakfast or dinner or pleasure pauses throughout your work day, make time for novel experiences throughout your week. It amplifies your connection and creates great stories
- Games – there are a number of couple adventure or bedroom games. Add laughter and adventure into your relationship.
One of the myths we have is the difference between co-dependency and interdependency. Interdependency does not sacrifice an individuals needs. Rituals give us the inspiration, love and energy to be better in the world as it shores up resources.
FESTIVE SEASON RITUALS
- Watch each other’s favourite seasonal movies or shows
- Prepare a themed meal and enjoy it together, distraction free
- Take a walk around your neighbourhood and admire the Christmas lights and different stress decorations
- Find a local volunteer opportunity to start together or contribute to over the festive season
- Start a two-person book club and read a book together
- Share what you’re thankful for with your loved ones
- Create your own festive season tradition!
A FEW STEPS
How are you going to revitalise, nurture and keep your connection alive over the new year?
Make time to discuss what connection rituals work for you both.
Set them up and trial it for a week and then review at the week what works and what doesn’t and alter accordingly.
Keep creating rituals that take care of the relationship and the “WE” gig.
