When I first started learning effective communication skills, I developed little equations in my head to help me construct a self-disclosure message, an active listening response, or a confrontative I-message.
These little equations became a way of training my brain. With practice, the steps became familiar, and eventually the communication skills became more natural and automatic.
I often work with clients and couples who have great difficulty recognising their feelings and needs, let alone finding the words to express them. This is where a few simple, repeatable steps can be incredibly helpful. We can literally train the brain to develop new neural pathways and create new habits for how we communicate.
And it starts with self-empathy.
Self-Empathy
Self-empathy means turning your attention inward and becoming curious about what is happening for you.
You might ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- What is happening for me right now?
- What need is underneath this reaction?
- What am I wanting, valuing or longing for?
Before we can communicate effectively with another person, we need some capacity to understand ourselves.
Many people try to communicate their experience without having a vocabulary for what they are actually feeling or needing. Instead, they jump straight to explaining what the other person is doing wrong.
“You never listen to me.”
“You don’t care.”
“You’re so selfish.”
These statements may express distress, but they don’t necessarily reveal what is happening inside us or the need that is trying to be met, or how the other’s behaviour is effecting us. Instead they create conflict as they are ‘YOU’ messages and the brain perceives this as a threat.
Self-empathy gives us the opportunity to pause and discover what is underneath the reaction.
What am I feeling? What do I need?
Once we have some clarity, we can begin to share that experience with another person.
Here is a feelings and needs list to support you to begin to familiarise yourself to expand from mad, sad and glad.
Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure is the process of giving another person a glimpse into our internal world.
Using effectiveness training, self-disclosure is about communicating your own experience rather than making the other person the problem.
A powerful shift that builds relationships.
Have you ever noticed how interested and connected your partner becomes when they get a genuine glimpse of what is happening inside you — particularly when they are not being blamed for it? There is something deeply connecting about being invited into another person’s inner world.
A Simple Self-Disclosure Equation
One little equation I use to help people practise this is:
I + feel + fact
For example:
“I get really excited when I am able to express myself clearly.”
Or:
“I am saddened when I’m not able to communicate what I need.”
The formula is simply a training tool. It helps you remember to speak from your own experience.
Be Careful With the Word “Feel”
An important part of learning self-disclosure is noticing whether the word feel is actually followed by a feeling.
For example:
“I feel that you are not listening to me.”
The word feel appears in the sentence, but there is no feeling being highlighted as well as “you are not listening to me” is actually an interpretation or judgement about the other person’s behaviour not the facts.
A fact is something you can see, hear or otherwise directly experience.
For example:
“When I we are talking and you looked at your phone, I am disappointed as I was eager to spend time with you”
Now we have:
Fact: Talking together, and looking at phone
Feeling: disappointed and eager
The focus stays with my experience, rather than becoming an accusation about your intention. That way we don’t force the other into conflict and we still get to express our disappointment.
This small distinction can make a significant difference to how a message is received.
Train Your Brain
Communication is made of micro-skills that practiced over time changes the way we express ourself.
Try this simple exercise:
Send Three Self-Disclosure Messages Per Day
Share three genuine self-disclosure messages with someone each day.
They don’t have to be deep or complicated.
You might share:
“I’m really enjoying this coffee this morning with you.”
“I’m a little nervous about today’s presentation.”
“I’m really grateful that we’re having this time together.”
“I’m excited about what we’re planning together .”
“I’m tired and I need some quiet time this evening.”
If remembering is difficult, attach the practice to something you already do.
You could share your self-disclosure messages:
- over your morning coffee
- when you greet someone
- when you send a text
- when you arrive home
- before going to bed
The more you practise noticing your internal experience and putting it into words, the easier it becomes.
You are not simply learning a communication technique.
You are training your brain to create a new way of relating.
And with practice, those little formulas can become something much more valuable than formulas.
They become capacity.
Capacity to know yourself.
Capacity to express yourself.
And ultimately, capacity to create deeper connection in your relationships.
