Category: News

  • Frozen: Unfreeze Each Other

    Frozen: Unfreeze Each Other

    “I can only be your story about me!”

    One thing I have learned, as a therapist over 30 years, is that people change, but often our stories about them don’t. We freeze the other into a certain way of behaving, often detrimental, with our stories about them. We also freeze ourself into being a certain way in response to our idea about the other. Meaning we are both frozen in time!

    The Ojibway tribe do not noun on each other when describing people, so as to avoid freezing someone into being, but rather respect the complex nature of being as ever changing. Instead they encapsulate their experience of the person, this also applies within their juridical system. For example; instead of naming someone, they speak of how they felt, their experience, and do not add to anothers’ experience of that person.

    An Ojibway elder described not “nooning on someone” by saying:

    “Those kind of words, have a tendency to stigmatise people, to “freeze” them within a particular classification, making it more difficult for healing to occur.” Ross (1996)

    This time of the year we are confronted with our well polished, recycled stories of our family members, yet rarely take the time to enquire into the current reality, just our thinking about reality.

    • Have you ever been someones judgemental story about you?
    • What was the effect of being frozen into being something, that was not entirely you?
    • How did you react to the other?
    • How did you know that you were frozen in another persons’ story about you?

    Unfreezing the Other 

    In the same way we unfreeze ourself from shameful stories we unconsciously impose on ourself, we can free others from the outdated stories. Here’s how:

    1. Be judgemental (Most of the time we pretend not to be, so here is a chance to expose the unconscious recycled story about the other!)
    2. Write it down (Get that thinking down on paper as it is less likely to be recycled)
    3. Bring it to enquiry (Ask with your head, and answer with your heart: Is it true? Can I absolutely know this to be true about the other?) From example: “My mother is selfish, demands all the attention with no consideration for others”. Find the truth, look at reality – can you absolutely know that that is her intention, or is it your perception?

    “When we apply such labels to real people, they tend to stick. And when they stick, they cause us to start denying the complexity and wholeness of the human beings we are speaking of.” Ross (1996)

    Unfreezing Yourself

    1. How do you react when you think this thought? (This is where we start to see how entangled in our own web we are)
    2. How do you treat them when you think this thought about them? (Ok fess up, this is a co-creation remember, with the ego avoiding our part in it due to its lack humbleness).
    3. How do I treat myself when I think this thought about them? (Remember it takes two to keep the game going)
    4. Who would I be without this thought? (Are you ready to liberate yourself from being part of this story? Go on imagine who you would be, what would you do, how would you be within yourself and with the other without this frozen story?)
    5. Turn it Around (So here is the magic – where the story lets go of both of you and we live a kinder reality, meeting it as it is rather than arguing with it). Take the story:
      • “My mother is selfish, demands all the attention with no consideration for others” and turn it around to reality (opposite) “My mother is selfless, demands little attention, and considers others” Then ask yourself: Where is that truer than the previous frozen story? See if you can find 3 examples where that is truer.
      • Turn it around again: Where am I that with myself? “I am selfish, demand all the attention with no consideration for myself”. Where is that truer? Find 3 examples.
      • Turn it around again: How do I do to the other, what I accuse the other of doing to me? “I am selfish, demand all the attention with no consideration for my mum” Where is that truer? Find 3 examples.

    Remembering this is not about shaming or blaming yourself or the other, it is simply about meeting a kinder reality than your thinking.

    Now when you think of that person how do you view them now? What happened to your role you were playing in relation to your story about them? What changed?

    “In my experience thus far, it seems that traditional people see our reliance on judgemental words as a very limiting way to know the world around us, and to deal with the people in it.” Ross (1996)

    When we enquire into our thoughts that cause suffering they let go of us and we can become the more of who we really are, we live the depth of complexity.

    Give the gift of enquiry this Christmas and unfreeze each other from outdated stories!

    ________________

    References

    The Work of Byron Katie www.thework.com

    Ross, Rupert (1996) Returning to the Teachings: Exploring Aboriginal Justice, Penguin Random House, Canada

  • Who Owns the Problem?

    Who Owns the Problem?

     

    Who Owns the Problem?

    Understanding who owns the problem is key in choosing how we address issues, concerns and conflicts arising.

    There are four basic areas of problem ownership:

    1. Other Owns a Problem
    2. No Problem Area
    3. I Own a Problem
    4. We Own a Problem

    When the Other Person “Owns” a Problem, then we can provide our skills in listening, unpacking the feelings and needs that are trying to be met, and feed them back to the person i.e. Is it that you are confused (Feeling) about your mums response? (Fact). Or Is it that you value consideration when it comes to making social arrangements?

    The No Problem Area is literal as in our needs are met and everyone is AOK.

    In the I Own a Problem Area, our own needs are not being met; we may feel stressed, overwhelmed or upset. This is where we empathetic listen ourselves to clearly define our needs and feelings and communicate them as a way of   getting them met or resolve a problem. How we do that is ask ourselves: How do I feel about the situation? What need is trying to be met? Be careful you are not getting solutions and needs mixed up too. There is never a conflict of needs, only solutions.

    When We Own a Problem, there’s a conflict in your relationship with each other i.e. We have a problem in that both peoples needs are not getting met. Here we highlight the needs of each, brainstorm solutions, collaboratively decide on a solution that works for both and then implement it, checking in at a later time frame to see if it worked.

    Our goal is to come back to the no-problem area as much as possible through using our communication skills. Firstly we have to know how an issue is for us before we can communicate it. take time to sit down and empathetically listen to yourself, discover your needs and then formulate a way to communicate this.

    Here’s an example: Lisa is concerned that every Xmas they spend it with her partners family. She wants to ensure she spends more time with her ageing mum. She is concerned that she may not have many more festive seasons together before her mum passes. Her feelings are concern, sadness, eager and excitement at the idea of spending time with her. Needs are; connection, fairness and consideration.

    Lisa brings this into an I message and communicates her concerns with her partner: “I am really eager (feeling) to spend time with mum this year at Christmas as I have a real concern that we don’t have many left to share as she ages. I really value the time (need) we have left with her. Would you be willing to consider spending Christmas with my mum this year?

    In this instance it opens up the conversation to brain storm solutions that work for both, maintain each others self esteem and confidence and ensure both parties get their needs met.

    The Awakening Group offers comprehensive online communication training for more details click here

  • Sacred Circle by Robin Truman

    Sacred Circle by Robin Truman

    Well here we are now

    We are all together

    All gathered here

    Like birds of a feather

     

    We sit in a circle and call it sacred

    Where we wait for the time

    To hear our names read

    Our emotions will rise

    As we answer the call

    Just knowing there’s pain

    That lives in us all.

     

    We know we feel disjointed

    And we all want to BELONG

    We want to feel wholesome

    That’s why we come along

     

    One by one, we are called to the chair

    We sit in our place, and a little aware

    That we are all very Nervous,

    And we put on an act

    Says a voice very mild

    please tell me the facts

    What ails you child?

    What sets you back?

     

    I speak of my parents

    And things that occurred

    Of pains that I carry

    Which are often referred

    To symptoms of ailments

    And all the other

    Which are frequent and often

    When referred to my mother

    Well,… let’s see how to help

    You could still refuse

    But let’s see where it goes

    So I’d like you to choose

     

    When you look out at those

    To be called on to play

    So, now go and select

    And see what they say

     

    I step in the circle and I walk all around

    I look at the faces that are all astound

    I take my time, for I need to know

    Are you the right one? Then if so,

     

    I’d like you to be my Mother,

    And you to be my Dad

    I’d like you to be my Brother

    And will you be, the Childhood

    That I never had

    As the session proceeds, more reps appear

    With looks on faces, so very sincere

    And in these figures, I see the pain

    As all this energy, flows through veins

    They take on roles, and play their part

    And the story unfolds, for me to start

     

    To see where it leads, where it all began

    From here right back, And well past my nan

    From her mum and from hers, It was never said

    Just what occurred, with all those long dead

     

    Now the therapist moves, and studies the scene

    As it seems to unfold like a trilogy

    And moves around players

    To find what beholds,

    Who is missing? what’s left untold?

     

    What’s happening here?

    What are you feeling?

    I see you’re disturbed

    What is it’s meaning?

     

    You look so intense,

    and It seems overwhelming

    You display it with tears

    I see that you’re hurting

     

    “I did wrong, I hurt them!”

    The player blurts out

    “I just left them all

    When I should have stood stout!”

    “I abandoned my children, I left them for dead,

    Another mans image got into my head “

     

    “And what happens here” the question is asked

    Of one other player representing the past

    “I’m of the same age, and I feel it too

    I’ve felt abandoned and left in the poo

    I wasn’t loved, she didn’t know how

    She just left home, not making a sound

    Now I’m a toddler, no mother around”

     

    I see now, why my body was aching

    It was never attended, no actions were taken

    They just buried it, inside their head

    And continued along, While They all just bled,

     

    From the burden they carried, Which, remained unknown

    To all those that followed, It was passed on down

    In the form of an energy, on its journey within

    Passed, undetected, Without even a whim

     

    So now we come forward, and it’s time to address

    All this confusion, and all of this mess

    I’ve taken on energy, from troubles carried forward

    Where deep in my soul, it’s been lodged untoward

    It seems obvious now, that it’s where we should start

    To remove all this pain, from my soul, and my heart

     

    So here we are mum, here we are two

    The moment of truth, I’ve carried this for you

    It’s been with me, much longer than it should

    I now hand it back, in belief that it could

    Work towards helping me, at the very minimum

    To then re- establish, all equilibrium

     

    Please take it now, it belongs to you!

    The release that I seek, begins to ensue

    It comes in a rush, I have no control

    I sob and I sob, and it cleanses my soul

     

    I bury my head, in the lap of another

    That wonderful one, representing my mother

    I’m held for a long time, and it feels so sublime

    I begin to recover this hurt heart of mine

     

    The session is finished, and it needs to be said

    to thank all the reps for all that they did

    thank you sincerely, I now feel rid

    of the burden I carried, that kept itself hid

     

    I now look to the future

    and think of the time

    when I can help nurture

    all the clients of mine

    as I engage in this work

    with a good understanding

    of the principles and tools

    for the client’s expanding

     

    I practice it now in my working station

    As I listen intently with plenty of patience

    For some that I see, it seems hocus pocus

    As I sit with another and use my soft focus

    I see family behind them, not wanting to part

    And I hold equal space for them in my heart

     

    I continue to study, to grow and expand                                                               ,

    To increase my knowledge so that I can

    Help establish for men, a men’s program.

     

    But I won’t stop there, I can assure you of that

    I want to help children, not leave them flat,

    To allow them to be, kids, uninhibited

    Free of the trauma and un medicated.

    The kids are the future, they should be unscarred

    To become healthy adults, and tomorrows STARS

     

    I need to conclude, but I want you to know

    That I want to help others, and this is so.

    With the best of intention

    I now take the time

    To thank you for listening

    To this prose of mine

    it translated itself

    It was from inspiration

    And along with myself

    became my presentation.