Category: News

Valentines Day is an invitation to celebrate love in its many forms; eros (romantic), pragma (enduring), platonic, familial (familiar, storge), collegial, agape (selfless love), philia (affectionate), ludus (playful), philautia (self love)….modern love takes many forms.

How do we miss out on the depth of love, in our relating, by wanting it to be ‘eros’, romantic love?

“Naming Love Too Early..

is a beautiful but harrowing human difficulty. Most of our heartbreak comes from attempting to name who or what we love and the way we love, too early in the vulnerable journey of discovery. We can never know in the beginning, in giving ourselves to a person, to a work, to a marriage or to a cause, exactly what kind of love we are involved with. When we demand a certain specific kind of reciprocation before the revelation has flowered completely we find our selves disappointed and bereaved and in that grief may miss the particular form of love that is actually possible but that did not meet our initial and too specific expectations. Feeling bereft we take our identity as one who is disappointed in love, our almost proud disappointment preventing us from seeing the lack of reciprocation from the person or the situation as simply a difficult invitation into a deeper and as yet unrecognizable form of affection.

The act of loving itself, always becomes a path of humble apprenticeship, not only in following its difficult way and discovering its different forms of humility and beautiful abasement but strangely, through its fierce introduction to all its many astonishing and different forms, where we are asked continually and against our will, to give in so many different ways, without knowing exactly, or in what way, when or how, the mysterious gift will be returned.

We name mostly in order to control but what is worth loving does not want to be held within the bounds of too narrow a calling. In many ways love has already named us before we can begin to articulate what is occurring, before we can utter the right words or understand what has happened to us or is continuing to happen to us: an invitation to the most difficult art of all, to love without naming at all.’ David Whyte.

Happy Valetines Day to ALL the LOVERS in the World, may your heart shine bright….

May you tell the ones you love, in all the forms it takes how much they mean to you today, and everyday…..

Here’s a little how:

1. Name your Valentine
2. Write one word that describes the ‘tone’ of your love letter
3. What are some things about your valentine that you appreciate about them? A couple of sentences.
4. How has your Valetine changed you having known them?
5. How do you enhance your Valentine’s life?
6. What you would like to change or improve in your connection between now and next Valentine’s Day?
7. Add a little music, poetry, something from nature, food, wine or a small thoughtful touch…

Play Games

Games create novelty, connection and bring out our innocence whilst getting to know each other more intimately. Games spark our curiosity, conversation and insights which create further connections and deepen our connection….we never tire of playing.

1. Card Games:

The School of Life has a number of Games: Connect, 100 Questions: The Love Edition, Pillow Talk

Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin

2. Mysterious Adventure Date Games to create memories, novelty and mystery:

try: The Adventure Challenge

3. Plan Date Nights including weekly ‘Sex Date Nights’

4. Renew your relationship vision, commitment to each other

5. Add your own here….there are infinite possible ways to connect.

‘Wild Woman’. As I tentatively tried these two words on for the first time I heard them echo through my soul. Like a new outfit, unsure whether if she would have a home in me.

Each word, although a faint call, as my voice was uneasy in its ownership of self, started to wake her, feed and nourish her starved psyche, give her the roots from which to birth herself into reality and out of the woman consciousness of old, collected from lifetime after lifetime…..

She began to emerge from her cave, open her womb to reclaim her new found connectedness. Stretch into her birthright as a woman, in all her sovereignty and glory. Her juices filled my veins creating a deep restlessness, inspired to call forth long forgotten dreams and birth them into being. She guided me, connecting with the earth as a source of energy, deep nourishment to rejuvenate and to enhance my sexual ecstasy as a woman.

I found my faint whisper, that once called forth her name, grew to the growl of the panther, the wisdom of the owl and the sensuality of a snake. She lead me on journey’s through the animal realms, changing shape in order for me to reclaim more and more parts of myself, to connect to the more I had forgotten. She sung my soul song, calling forth my strength, knowingness and trust, in time of distress. She taught me to be a lover in my fire of passion, my solitary ecsatasy, my sensuality and infinite capacity to be joined in union with all. With her heart and passion she filled my emptiness with wholeness, yet remain empty, like the old oak hollowed out by time.

“We are filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We are taught to feel shame for such a desire, we grow our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Women still lurks behind us during our days and in our nights. No matter where we are the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes “Women Who Run With The Wolves

She spoke to me in my silence and in my dreams, showing me visions. Together we called forth our union, separated for centuries, may walk hand in hand in harmony. We talked, we danced together, nourished by her presence as I called her back into being.

In her aliveness she showed me no boundaries, no limitations, she allowed me to feel what life could be. She called forth the beliefs that no longer served me, limited me, and guided me in living awareness of life created, choose another way of being, one more expansive, connected, joyous. She revealed the magician and transformed one’s tranced self into another reality, shattering delusion to expose an instant change in the world around me, and within me.

We journeyed into the forest, alone yet together, to reconnect me with silence and allow room to breathe the earth into my belly, bathe in waterfalls, sing the songs the birds taught, and dance to the rhythm of the soul. At night I slept within the arms of mother earth cradle in her touch, nourished. The woman stirred by the mystique of the moon; drummed the sorrowful struggle of my soul; breathed in the sensual dignity of tree, stroked my weary body with the brooks droplets and sighed at the freshness of being. My Wild Woman made me own what I delighted and cherished in another and long forgot to recognise in myself. The forest, the ocean, the winged ones all called me home. In the wave of the summer storm she called forth passion, stirring a deep YES of sovereignty, of connected ecstasy.

Now we are one, she and me. You could once see her in my dance, sometimes in a glance, or more, being freed from the belly by a roar… now me is we

———

Many women know this calling, the untamed, Nameless One, who unsettles us in our complacency, our ambivalence. We feel her in our dreams, our yearnings, our bursting passion, our ideas, loves, wisdom, our sexuality, anger and grief. We hear her in our footsteps. She is our instincts, our mysteries, seen and unseen. She is our feminine, the past, present and future of all women. We call her Wild Woman.

Your Wild Woman has always walked by your side, breathed when you wanted to stop, angered when you could bear things no longer; supported and nourished you however you chose to be or experience yourself in the world. She has guided you to walk paths that you felt you could never, yet found dreams do come true.

Once reclaimed you won’t want to let her go. For with her comes a passion for life you only dreamed of.

Calling Forth Your Wild Woman

Here is a simple exercise to support you to slowly call her presence forth more in your daily life.

Find a space you feel your Wild Woman would be seated, either in nature, beside the sea, beside fire, making sure you will not be disturbed. It is essential when first beginning to acknowledge the Wild Woman that you allow her to speak to you in silent spaces.

Take time to breathe deeply, to relax and bring your attention into the moment, resting in the body, with nothing to do or fix. If you find it hard to relax, place a hand on your heart and one on your belly to centre you; breathing again deeply. Let go into the earth.

Now in your mind’s eye visualise your Wild Woman. Many women find she looks exactly like themselves but dressed differently. Begin a dialogue with her, asking her questions, and just allowing the answers to be felt, heard or seen in your minds eye.

The more you take time to acknowledge her, the more she will be present in your daily life. The rewards will become undeniably apparent.

The ability to heal our spirits as she is called forth opens the path for sisters to reclaim their birthrights, their Wild Woman. She thrives on dance, on the rhythm of drums calling her forth, on music, on stories, poetry, song, prayer, around an open fire and water, in forests, in sharing of one wild woman with another. Our cells remember. Anything that fills your soul and takes you journeying from a sense of depletion to embodying the knowledge and love of who you are as a woman, will awaken her. And the longing will be no more.

First published in the 90’s in the Living Now Magazine. Written by Brenda Sutherland

Bibliography

Estés, Clarissa Pinkola (1992) Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, Ballatine Books

Every behaviour has a need behind it. 
Our most fundamental needs in relationship are that we matter, that we are safe and stay connected.
We all have needs, there is no conflict. Needs are needs. The problem is the solutions we want others to live in order to get our needs met. There is a never a conflict of needs, only a conflict of solutions!

Within my family we have members who are vaccinated and those who are unvaccinated. This may sound familiar! Both worry about the other. The vaccinated want the unvaccinated to get vaccinated (solution) out of fear, worry and concern for their health and safety (need). The unvaccinated want the vaccinated not to take the booster or get vaccinated at all out of fear, concern and worry. The needs in this case are safety; physical safety, and autonomy. Each family member has the same need, yet the solutions cause conflict. The solution for the vaccinated is for the unvaccinated to get vaccinated. The unvaccinated are worried about the implications on their health so their solution is to not be vaccinated. We generate solutions as a way of trying to relieve our fears.
It makes for difficult conversations, as you may well have experienced in the last couple of years! For some exclusion has been the solution that was chosen for them.
Furthermore solutions are often embedded in bigger values differences which makes it even difficult to resolve.

What if we could find a different way of resolving conflict? What if we could enhance our relationships whilst resolving conflict? Remember there is only a conflict of solutions NOT needs. 

Let’s take a look at needs and for a moment and expand Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Max Neef’s Theory of Needs. Needs can be grouped into a number of categories such as:

• Safety and Health
• Interdependent/Connection
• Honesty
• Rest and Play
• Peace
• Physical well being
• Meaning
• Autonomy

Within each category there are more needs. For instance under:

• Safety and Health
  • Physical
  • Psychological
  • Emotional
  • Safety
  • Security
  • Stability
  • Support
  • Trust
  • Warmth

Now come back to the example above. Let’s unpack a new way of negotiating that strengthens the relationship, the self esteem of each other and resolves conflict. Win – Win!
Here’s how. 

1. Define the Needs – in the family example above the need for the unvaccinated is Physical Health and Safety. The need for the vaccinated is Physical Health and Safety, and freedom/autonomy. (see a needs chart below to help decipher the needs)
2. Brainstorm Solutions – often we impose solutions onto the other, rather than thinking beyond our own ideas. Many couples consist of one person vaccinated and one unvaccinated, how did they do that? Discussion, talking, respect. So let’s simply generate as many  crazy ideas as you can think of do not censor them. Get the butcher paper out, and write them down, as we usually can’t stay auditory very long, as our nervous systems get overwhelmed. Go visual and jot down all those random ideas.  Remember the ideas are not up for discussion yet! Kids are great at this as they are creative and don’t censor ideas.
3. Evaluate Solutions – keep in mind it has to met both parties needs. This is a no-lose approach. So the solution has to work for both. Evaluate, compare and analyse until they fit. You may have to come back to this if things get heated.
4. Choose Solution(s) – There can be more than one solution that meets both needs.
5. Implement Solution(s) – decide together when and how the solutions mutually chosen are going to be implemented, with a date to check in to see if the solutions are still working for both.
6. Check Results – make a date to check in and how each other is going with the decisions that were made, is it still working for each and satisfying that need trying to get met?

Now your turn.
Find a conflict and take the time to discover the needs trying to be met.  (see the Needs sheet below). If uncertain and feel as though you have come up with the solution, then ask yourself this question: What would that then give me? And then what would that then give me? Keep going until you find the need.
If the issue is with someone else you may like to try to listen for needs in the other and feed them back. ie Is it that you value…..safety, fairness? It sounds like physical health is really important to you?

An important first step is self empathy. How can I begin to give myself this need, rather than expecting the other to give me it?

I remember years ago, I had been a single mum for quite awhile as there was no shared care, due to my son’s dad working away. It was really hard. I worked interstate teaching, juggling being a mum, dealing with a toxic relationship and finding someone to care for my son when I was away, as I did not have any family where we lived. There was a point I really wanted my ex-partner to acknowledge what I had done, all the effort I had put into raising our son. Knowing our, at times difficult relationship, I decided I probably wasn’t going to get that from him. So I stopped and investigated what the need was that was trying to be met. In this case it was ‘acknowledgement’  I decided I would give that to myself, and really appreciated how much it had taken to be a single mum. That part of me that was yearning for acknowledgement was deeply met and delighted. Years later at our son’s high school graduation my ex-partner sided up to me and said “you’ve done an amazing job”. Bingo there it was. My internal acknowledgement reflected outwards. I still smile to this day as to the effect of first giving myself self empathy.

Can you give yourself what you are wanting the other to give you first?

Then can you offer empathy to the other, to discover what their needs are that are trying to be met? Developing the ability to stand back and negotiate based on needs is adulting, is promoting respect, mutuality, fairness, justice and sensitivity, elements within which relationships thrive within.