The Awakening Group
Menu

Tag: Relationships

  • If in Doubt, Hug it Out

    If in Doubt, Hug it Out

    A little neuroscience hack!

    As we launch into everyday, and the outside world, it is important to create rituals that help you stay connected. One of those is the “Welcome Home Hug”.

    Now this is not the ordinary hug that entails a pat on the back!!

    This is a hug that when you arrive home the first thing you do is find the other, children, dogs, cats, emails do not come first, your partner does. And you give each other a hug.

    Don’t let go of the other until you are both “relaxed”!

    How do you know? Each others shoulders relax, their breathing gets deeper and you both feel connected again.

    The importance of this ritual is that you come into resonance with each other, sync your breath and your nervous systems. You create a safe sanctuary, a tether for each of you to go out into the world. Children anad adults alike gain enormous benefits from this simple ritual.

    Coming back home, we launch into a ‘Welcome Home Home’ as Dr Stan Tatkin calls it, where you leave the stress of the outside world, where it should be, outside the house and you are maintaining that bubble that keeps you safe, happy and connected.

    As a couple’s counsellor I prescribe to start with one hug a day right at the beginning, then work up to one entering the house after work, then further to at the end of the day. Watch the difference this makes.

    So if in doubt, hug it out!!

    ___________________________________________-

    Resources

    Dr Stan Tatkin’s ‘Welcome Home Hug’ in PACT work https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9FBdC2Kykg

    Solving Disconnections https://youtu.be/V7ohDhnltz8?si=gUxyaGA2MuWhCW62

    ‘4 Important New Discoveries About Hugging’, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-asymmetric-brain/202202/4-important-new-discoveries-about-hugging

  • Finding Freedom Through Four Questions: My Experience with The Work of Byron Katie

    Finding Freedom Through Four Questions: My Experience with The Work of Byron Katie

    I remember the moment clearly. I was sitting in my car, parked just outside my apartment, staring blankly through the windshield. My mind was spinning with thoughts like a stuck record: He shouldn’t have said that. How could he treat me that way? I’ve given everything to this relationship. I felt angry, heartbroken, and utterly powerless and my my was relentless!

    That’s when I remembered The Work of Byron Katie.

    I’d heard about it before — a simple process of inquiry that invites you to examine your stressful thoughts. Four questions and a few “turnarounds” that somehow help people find peace, even in the most painful situations. At the time, I was skeptical. How could four questions possibly help me untangle this mess?

    Still, I was desperate enough to try as I just wanted peace.

    Starting Self Enquiry with The work

    I took a deep breath, pulled out my journal, and wrote the thought that was hurting the most:
    “He doesn’t care about me.”

    Then I asked the first question:
    1. Is it true?

    My immediate reaction was Yes, of course it’s true! But I knew the process was asking me to slow down. So I sat with it and went into my heart.

    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    This question cracked something open. Absolutely know? No. I couldn’t. I could assume, guess, interpret — but I didn’t know what was going on in his heart.

    3. How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
    That was easy: I shut down. I stew in resentment. I rehearse arguments in my head. I build a case against him. I isolate. I become someone I don’t like.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?
    Without the thought “He doesn’t care about me,” I imagined myself sitting in the car feeling hurt, yes — but without the added poison of judgment. I could allow the pain of the moment without turning it into a story of betrayal. I might even be open to curiosity or compassion — for myself and for him.

    Turning it Around and Bringing Peace Home

    Then came the turnarounds. This is where you take the original statement and flip it in different directions to see what else might be true.

    • “He doesn’t care about me” became:
      • I don’t care about me.
      • I don’t care about him.
      • He does care about me.

    Each one felt uncomfortable as I met reality, but interesting. I explored them askign myself where these turnarounds were truer than my stressful thinking:

    • I don’t care about me — I realized I’d been abandoning myself emotionally, outsourcing my well-being to his approval. That stung, but it was empowering too. If I was the one neglecting myself, maybe I could also be the one to care for myself.
    • I don’t care about him — I had been so caught up in being right that I hadn’t tried to understand where he was coming from. That didn’t excuse his behavior, but it reminded me that I had shut down empathy.
    • He does care about me — This one was hard to accept at first. But then I remembered times he’d shown care, even subtly. The story wasn’t black and white.

    A Quiet Shift

    I didn’t walk away from that inquiry with a perfect resolution. The relationship still had its problems. But I walked away with something more valuable: clarity, peace and meeting reality as it is rather than my head arguing with it and making up stories that kept me awake all night.

    The pain wasn’t just coming from the situation — it was coming from my unquestioned thoughts about it. The Work didn’t change what happened, but it changed how I experienced it. And that shift made all the difference.

    I’ve used The Work many times since that day. On thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “They’re judging me,” or “This shouldn’t be happening,” or “Somethings wrong with me.” Each time, the process feels like holding a mirror up to my mind — not to judge it or shame it, as minds do what minds do, but to understand it. To loosen the grip of stories that keep me stuck and stressed.

    Why It Works

    The beauty of The Work is in its simplicity. Byron Katie doesn’t ask us to suppress our thoughts or replace them with positive affirmations. She simply invites us to question them — deeply and honestly. And in that questioning, space opens up.

    What I’ve learned is that truth, when it’s discovered rather than imposed, is incredibly kind. It doesn’t scold. It doesn’t shame. It just reveals what’s been hidden by fear or habit.

    And in that light, even the most painful thoughts can begin to dissolve.

    Final Thoughts

    If you’re struggling with a painful situation or a recurring belief that keeps you small or stuck, I encourage you to try The Work. Start with one stressful thought. Ask the four questions. Turn it around. See what you find.

    You might not get fireworks. But you might get something quieter and more lasting: peace.

    And sometimes, that’s enough to change everything.

    Suggested Reading

    • Katie, B., & Mitchell, S. (2002). Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Harmony Books.
    • The Work of Byron Katie. (n.d.). Thework.com. Retrieved from https://thework.com
    • Katie, B. (2007). I Need Your Love—Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. Harmony Books.
    • Katie, B. (2008). Question Your Thinking, Change the World: Quotations from Byron Katie. Hay House.
  • Bring Back the Spark Challenge

    Bring Back the Spark Challenge

    Every Behaviour is Trying to Get a Need Met

    You may know that I counsel couples, having trained with Dr Stan Tatkin, Dr Tammy Nelson, Dr Emily Nagoski, and been one of the top tantra teachers in the 90s. I’m a romantic, but over the years I have seen that love is a skill, not just a verb!


    Esther Perel talks about the 7 Verbs That Shape the Way You Love that include: To Ask, To Take, To Receive, To Give, To Share, to Refuse, To Play and Imagine. Some verbs we are stronger in as we have had the modelling growing up and some we need to practice more, for some people, this is to ask, or to refuse!
    In relationships we often ask of our partners to be someone they have no idea how to be, they haven’t developed the skills through modelling, we even fight for it thinking this will change it, rather than see it as lacking the internal software that needs support in developing. We have this hidden concept of normal that we expect the other to meet, without ever discussing. ie ‘My expectations in this relationship are….(Add yours here).’ ‘What I would like to be guaranteed in this relationship is…..(Add yours here)’. ‘What I can guarantee in this relationship is …(add yours here)’.
    Inherent in our protest behaviour or the push and pull, are fundamental needs that are trying to be met. Often in relationships the fundamental needs driving behaviour are:

    • Do I matter to you? (Matter)
    • Am I safe? (Safety)
    • Are we connected? (Connection)

    Words are not enough!
    Graduating from Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, Max Neef developed a more comprehensive list of fundamental needs.  Inherent in every behaviour is a need trying to get met yet we have not taken the time to identify the need that is eliciting the behaviour.
    So here are a few pointers:

    • Identify a behaviour that you keep doing, or a reaction that you have.
    • Is there a solution you are asking the other to give you? or fighting for?
    • Ask yourself, ‘If I had this solution, what would it then give me?’
    • Use the Needs sheet  to identify the need that is trying to be met
    • Then ask yourself, ‘How could I begin to give myself this need?’
    • Then ask yourself, ‘How can I ask another to support me with this need?’ Remember there are only conflict of solutions, there are never conflict of needs.
    • Putting it into a sentence whilst staying close to your own needs means owning the problem. The sentence could look something like this,

    “I miss connecting (need) with you and I find myself getting overwhelm when I don’t feel connected. Would you be willing to make some time to do something together throughout this week, so that I feel closer to you?”

    • Pop the need in the middle of the relationship for both to take care of rather than expecting one person to satisfy all your needs. Shift from pro-self and just getting your need me at the expense of the other, to pro-team (the WE gig) where both parties get their needs met. This not only strengthens the relationship, self esteem of each other, but also meets the needs for fairness, mutuality, sensitivity and justice. 

    I propose a 30 day challenge, supported with a few tips and that is to ‘Bring the Spark Back Challenge‘. Over the next month find ways to bring the spark back in your relationship such as:

    • listen for needs; your own and your partner’s,
    • to find ways to connect, intimately or otherwise
    • to support novel experiences (creates new connections and long term memory)
    • rediscover what you do well together
    • make time to find what you can both do better in the relationship
    • play and imagine – what are you favourite games?
    • discover how to make each other laugh, then rinse and repeat
    • discover how to bring out the best in each other, so you get the best from your partner!

    As a community this is an opportunity to share your experiences your insights, what works for you and what doesn’t. We would love to hear from you

    Bring Back the Spark Challenge starts today!