Recently I took a break and ticked off a bucket list expedition and kayaked amongst the islands of Raja Ampat in Indonesian West Papua, on the border of the Indian and Pacific Oceans. Every day was filled with simple activities such as kayaking, and snorkelling. We kayaked about 70 kms, which isn’t that much but the tides and currents here are on steroids! Each night we stayed in rudimentary huts and were catered for by the local families which involved simple foods of rice, fish or chicken and vegetables, which we grew to appreciate and love.
Stroke by stroke I found my agitation and stress drop away and an ease appear in my body, despite the long hours of paddling. I watched my mind and it’s default to complaining about the little things or looking out wards to find something wrong simply quieten, where nothing was an issue. After awhile the rhythm of the waves became an internal movement, where my breath seemed to resonant with the flow of the waves. This lasted for days after our expedition was over yet remained soothing throughout the rest of my travels in Indonesia. One can go into the neuroscience of water, and how it soothes the nervous system, as does Wallace Nichols in his book ‘Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, In, On, or Under Water Can Make You Happier, Healthier, More Connected, and Better at What You Do’, and as a sailor, kayaker, ocean swimmer for many years I can vouch for this, but the main insight I wanted to share was how it stopped the negative bias in my brain.
As a therapist the majority of the time I hear the challenging sides of relationships, of life, of events and I have noticed over the last while how I began to complain, not just a little but as a habit, a bad habit. So I got thinking while I was paddling, what is complaining, why do we complain and what can be do about it?
Neuroscience of Complaining
Complaining shrinks our hippocampus, which is the part of our brain that is responsible for memory, learning and emotions. Just listening to complaining for just 30 minutes shrinks the hippocampus! Complaining also releases cortisol shifting our nervous system into sympathetic arousal, so we get stuck on fight or flight. Complaining then becomes addictive as it rewires our brain to continue to focus on the negative bias, in turn undermining our immune system. Therefore complaining undermines our mental, emotional and physical health.
Addictive or Symptomatic?
So I got thinking, is complaining addictive or symptomatic of something that is not congruent in our lives or is it indicative of unresolved emotions? The answer I came up with is both. Many unresolved issues such as grief, heartbreak and unmetabolised trauma, outwardly appear as being disgruntled with the world, the people around us and the little things that don’t go our way. The more unhappy we are the more we complain, the more we complain the more there is to complain about as the brain gears up to focus on the negative.
Cure from the Affects of Complaining
Which brings me to to the question, what is the cure to stop complaining and reinvigorate our lives and nervous systems, our immune system and our mental health?
Firstly, we have to look at our lives and see if we are living in congruence with our heart’s desire, which is easier said than done, but can we balance our life out more to allow room for the things, practices that keep us inspired and joyous? Such as when was the last time you had some down time, a novel experience, connection with dear friends or family, did something for you, deeply rested, had a good laugh or cry (to let the lid off the pressure cooker?). See the article on the Healthy Mind Platter and the basis to change habits successfully.
Secondly, is there something that you complain about a lot? Something that gets recycled over and over again, or are you just disgruntled with life? If there is something that regularly appears in your mind that distresses you, then the invitation is to look at this and the possibility that there is unresolved emotions underneath the complaining that need to be addressed, expressed, shared or aligned, so they stop trying to be resolved in your everyday experiences.
Is it an unexamined belief that owns your perception of life that needs to be brought to enquiry using The Work of Byron Katie? See How Beliefs Work. Or is it where needs are not being met in relationships whether at home or at work? SeeThere is Never a Conflict of Needs or the way that you are getting your message across is not being heard or understood in your relationships?. See Ten Top Keys to Couple Communication.
Thirdly, has complaining become a way to connect with others? Our culture seems to complain a lot to each other, whether on social media or hanging with friends, it is an opportunity to complain about others, what is not working, or going badly, which we have every right to do, yet do we make room for celebrating too? Many grew up with complaining and criticising others as a way to connect and belong in our families, rather than celebrating the wins, each other, the love and encouraging the other through acknowledging their strengths..
Gratitude is the Attitude
So as I was paddling, which is a bilateral movement, harmonising the brain, the cure first and foremost is to find something you are grateful for right in this moment.
Gratitude stops one going down the negative bias in the brain, it also produces dopamine and serotonin creating a feelings of happiness and pleasure.
Gratitude:
- reduces cortisol in the nervous system, and
- lowers blood pressure, as it ignites the parasympathetic nervous system, so we feel
- less stressed and more connected to others and life itself.
- helps you concentrate more
- activates the hippocampus, the right inferior temporal gyrus and allows us to sleep better.
- reduces pain
- activates the production of serotonin and dopamine
- releases toxic emotions.. Studies have shown that hippocampus and amygdala, the two main sites regulating emotions, memory, and bodily functioning, get activated with feelings of gratitude.
- reduces anxiety and depression. At the neurochemical level, feelings of gratitude are associated with an increase in the neural modulation of the prefrontal cortex, the brain site responsible for managing emotions such a guilt, shame and violence
- activates the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, emotional regulation and empathy
- It also creates new neural pathways! We are literally rewiring our brain.Gratitude activates the reward centre of the brain, changing the way we see the world and ourselves.
- increases joy and pleasure in our lives
Gratitude also strengthens out long term relationships and ourselves so that we can bounce back from life’s challenges more readily. Gratitude affects are multidimensional and it is more than good for our health and interpersonal relationships.
That doesn’t mean we don’t talk about the things that are bothering us, our feelings and needs but what if we changed the way we are with the world through developing exercises that change the negative bias in the brain?
Exercises to Change the Brain using Gratitude
There are simple exercises that you can bring into your daily life that science has proven changes our nervous system, our experience of life, ourself and each other increasing positive feelings, reducing pain and improving our health on so many levels. Here is how….
1. Gratitude Journal
The act of writing our thoughts down has long been studied especially in regards to addressing trauma. Writing what we are grateful for down daily changes our brain. Start with the little things throughout the day. For instance, it could be the food you have to eat, the people you interacted with throughout the day, something you achieved, an insight, a connection, a meditative practice, a conversation, a challenge you overcame, or a habit you started to break.
Writing it down, drawing it out changes the brain. Start with “Today I am grateful for….. “
2. Who Am I positively?
Being here in this moment, reading this article is an achievement. Looking back into your life what were the decisions you made that brought you to this moment? Thank yourself, the younger part of you that got you here whilst acknowledging what you have achieved, survived and thrived within.
At times this is a difficult practice therefore take a moment and think of someone who you admire, their qualities and who they are positively. Write these qualities down and then go through each one and find where you are that in your life. You may do it differently but where are you that?. The brain tries to tell us who we are positively by projecting it outwards. Owning our projections brings them home to self, as well as it supports self acceptance, appreciation and changes the way we feel and think about ourself.
What I admire about the other is….
Take the others name out and add “I”. I am …….(add the qualities you have listed and find where you are each one of these).
3. Gratitude Tribe
Being in resonance with others changes our brain. and soothes our nervous system. Yet reaching out and acknowledging what others mean to us can be hard at times especially if this was not modelled to you growing up. Speaking our appreciation and gratitude instantly changes our brain.
We have a tribe of friends who get us, who uplift us when we feel down and lonely. Expressing our gratitude gives to both. Make a plan to share how the other affects you and what you are grateful for in relation to your friendship or relationship.
“When I am around you, I feel …….which makes me…………….. I am grateful for………….in our friendship/relationship”
“What I love about you is…….as it helps/encourages me……………”
4. Let the little things find you
Changing habits takes small steps. Shifting ones focus to appreciating means opening oneself to receive rather than closing and looking outwards for what is wrong. In this way we open to the little things. For instance the quiet at dawn, the taste of coffee in the morning, clean sheets, the intimacy of a lover, the taste of a meal made with love, cut grass, the sun on your skin, smell of wet dog, a meal cooked for you…
Taking a moment to breathe the little things in allows them to open our being to the now and a sense of expansiveness. Being grateful simply by opening and feeling how the little things make you effect your body and sensations, opens you to the more of who you are and the joy of being.
5. Gratitude Buddies
At the end of a day when asked how our day was, maybe ask each other what is one thing you are grateful for. Whether you share this via text, or over tea in the evening or phoning a friend amplifies positives. Sharing creates connection and changes the brain, as well as it is fun. So find that buddy starting with your own self through journaling to a friend, partner, child, parent, co-worker you can develop this practice with and notice the changes in feelings and well being as you share daily what you are grateful for daily.
6. Join the Community
Take time to share. We would love to join you as a buddy and hear, via the comments below how developing a gratitude practice changed your experience of yourself, others you interact with and the world around you.
Or maybe you have developed a particular practice of your own. Leave a comment below to help build community of likeminded people and join in changing each others brains and nervous systems!!
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Bibliography
Allen, Summer (2018) The Science of Gratitude, John Templeton Foundation, https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Gratitude-FINAL.pdf
Chowdhury, Madhuleena (2019) The Neuroscience of Gratitude and Effects on the Brain www.positivepsychology.com
Mosunic, Dr Chris, The Science of Gratitude and how it can affect teh brain, https://www.calm.com/blog/the-science-of-gratitude
