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  • I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    An insight into Family Constellations 

    Maria was distraught. For two weeks now she had been having panic attacks and didn’t know why. She was desperate for them to stop, as they were worsening. This was the reason she had found her way to counselling. Two weeks prior her partner of five years had asked her to marry him and she had said ‘yes’ and with such excitement she told her family he had proposed. The next day though she found herself getting extremely anxious, doubting whether he would be a good husband or father, not trusting his ability, questioning who she had been living with over the last five years. As the days went by her anxiety grew, until she found herself experiencing full-blown panic attacks. What had happened?

    Maria’s panic attacks are not unlike many symptoms that appear that are connected to the family lineage, as we are part of the family soul.

    What is the Family Soul?

    We all are connected to a family system or soul that reaches many generations past. We are limited by this history as well as strengthened by our ancestors. A family system is governed by:

    • the need to belong; those who are born into a family (whether survived or thrived), brought into a family through marriage, or who have taken a life from this family, in other words, ‘those who belong’, belong. If anyone is excluded they will be represented by a family member. This is often seen in children of divorced parents, whereby a parent has been criticized by the other, out of hidden loyalty the child will side with the parent excluded and criticized. We are only at peace when everyone is included.

    • the need for social order; This ensures everyone is given their rightful place. In a literal sense, this means those who come first, come first. For example, partners take precedence before children unless in a blended family then each others children come before the new partner. We are born into a special place in our family, that is the first born’s place is before the next child and so on. If out of place, a child will feel burdened, be treated as a parent, or may take the place of a lost child or previous partner resulting in strange dynamics.

    • the need for equilibrium; that is the balance of giving and taking governs the sharing of resources, but also ensures that which has been taken is given back to maintain equilibrium. We feel innocent only when equilibrium is maintained and guilty if it is imbalanced or righteous and embittered if we give too much and do not receive.

    Systems Thinking

    The majority of therapists look at issues presenting within a client on a personal basis, such as ‘what does the client need to change, integrate, realign within themselves for this issue to be resolved?’.

    A Family Constellation facilitator looks beyond the individual or person engaging systemic thinking to look in the direction the symptom (in this case panic attacks) points to within the family system to bring to light the entanglement.

    As members of a family we are symptom bearers pointing to what has not been resolved in the family system. We are all connected, and our soma, behaviors, reactions, emotional patterns or struggles often tell a story of what beckons to be acknowledged in the family that was unable to be resolved, or seen back many generations. We are in subconscious devotion to the family system and all who are connected to this out of love and to ensure the family system stays balanced.

    An indicator that a client’s presenting issue is systemic is that the symptom or issue persists no matter what interventions are applied. The dynamic is: ‘I have this symptom and I don’t want it’, and the family soul says ‘that is how it is’ until this is acknowledged.

    Words are Worlds

    Back to Maria’s panic attacks. My question on hearing her story would be: “who in the family (lineage) would be panicking about marriage?” In Maria’s case, together we looked in the direction of the panic, tracking it using a genogram, noticing hotspots such as accentuated words. She explained that her grandmother (mother’s mother) was Italian and grew up in a little village in Italy, was Roman Catholic and on her honeymoon her newly wed husband announced that he had a mistress, who was pregnant. So ‘who would be panicking around marriage?’ Grandmother!

    This highlighted the systemic principle belonging (as the mistress had to be included in the family as well as the child born of this affair) and the guilt and innocence governing belonging. As a symptom bearer Maria was reliving Grandmother’s panic. Clients have access to the entire family system therefore a simple visualization to include everyone and the panic attacks disappeared. She married her partner and now has a child.

    Your body tells the family story

    Family or Systemic Constellations gives the client a new somatic experience of what they know in their gut to be true. The format this can be done within is

    a) a group whereby participants are chosen to represent a member of the family and are placed to highlight the dynamics between each and the governing principles in play, or

    b) in ones minds eye as a visualization whereby the facilitator gains all necessary information from the client, words, their soma such as eye gaze, breath, how a client holds their body, attachment styles and the clients intention or

    c) using props such a figurines, stones, shells, or seeds that represent family members. How these are placed in relation to each other and the feelings invoked by each allows the facilitator to gather a picture and prove a new healing picture.

    I will do it for you

    Many years ago a client came to see me, she frustratingly spoke about having spent thousands of dollars trying to cure her chronic fatigue to no avail. I asked if she was an only child of divorced parents and with complete astonishment she said ‘yes’    My question was: “who is she holding the burden for?”

    Wanting to see if my hypothesis was correct I asked her to close her eyes and picture her parents in relation to herself, where would they be standing, she said “either side of me and I am standing in the middle!”

    A child out of their absolute love for both parents will do anything to bring about balance in the family by holding the burden. As hubris as this maybe it is not their job, each child is the little one with a need to take their rightful place, their social order in the family, i.e. those who come first come first. The client leaves their parents with their fate. Holding such a burden or taking a position in between parents holding the burden is too much for a child to hold causing chronic fatigue.

    The healing picture or remedy in this case was to ask the client, ‘what is one movement she could do to change this?’ In her minds eye she took one step back so the parents could look at each other and address what had yet to be dealt with between them and in most cases see the love that remains.

    A week later she very excitedly rang to say that she had no chronic fatigue symptoms and hadn’t for a week. She is symptom free still to this day.

    We all come from perfect families

    The family soul continually, as does nature, moves to bring about balance, to acknowledge those who are excluded, to ensure everyone has their rightful place in the family, and the balance of giving and taking is equal.

    The Awakening Group offers weekend workshops in Family Constellations, webinars with international facilitators and Facilitator training programs throughout Australia www.student-awakening.theteamserver.com/courses Brenda Sutherland is available for individual sessions.

  • My Sexual Self and I

    My Sexual Self and I

    Let’s talk about pleasure, sexual pleasure, your sexual pleasure. Let’s explore sexual arousal, passion, erotic desire, fantasies, attraction, sexual impulses and the untamed sexual drive.

     “No bill of sexual rights can hold its own against the lawless untameable landscape of the erotic imagination.”  Daphne Merkin

    What are the implications of overly tamed sexual impulses? The mundaneness of routine sex? And the tendency to seek adventure outside long-term relationships, rather than exploring a renewed sense of sexual adventure within relationship?

    Following on from the #meetoo campaign, there has been a great deal written about the misuse of position. This is not to dispute each claims validity, the abuse of power and the confusion inherent in these interactions. It is rather to highlight often unasked fundamental questions, questions not fully understood or addressed in our everyday encounters and relationship with our own sexuality. They simply are:

    * Do I know what I want?
    * Do I know how my sexual self works?
    * Can I congruently communicate this to my sexual partner at the time?

    It is urgent we cultivate a richer erotic intelligence with our own sexual self and with each other.

    In her article “Bad Sex? No, It’s Girl Power Gone Wrong”, Janet Alberchtsen wrote:

    “If Grace’s other sexual encounters are the same, she needs to ask how is a man meant to knowwhat she’s thinking when she doesn’t make it clear to him? When Ansari didn’t turn out to be Mr Darcy, Grace expected him to be capable of reading her mind. That’s a big enough ask and rather tricky when you’re not sure what’s in your own mind” (2018 p15)

    Erotic intelligence requires us to navigate and embrace our unique sexual response system to keep us safe, as well as those with whom we are intimate. It requires us to separate inherited taboos and gender role inhibitions, and embrace the vibrancy and unpredictability of erotic passion rather than burying our desires and contracting ourselves to assumed mundaneness.

    It is the ability to walk the unknown with confidence, to know the inner workings of our own sexual responses and be able to safely move between the erotic and safety, to ensure our sexual pleasure continues to flourish in the environment of innocence, adventurous exploration and mutual respect.

     

    The Problem

    Here lies the problem. If we don’t know what we want, like, or how our own unique internal sexual response system works, how are we going to convey this to our lover(s), husband, wife? How are we going to communicate verbally and physically through congruent cues, if the internal struggle between the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) i.e., the sexual brake and the Sexual Excitation System (SES) i.e., sexual accelerator have not been resolved?

    To make the science a little easier lets relabel the SIS as the ‘Safe Brain’ and the SES as the ‘Erotic Brain’.

    How do they work together within you in order to respond to sexual stimulus? Does one rule over the other? What are the results of their interaction or separateness? How does this play out in our everyday sexual encounters? Are they culturally bound?

     

    Meet the Guests

    Let’s take Lucy for example. She has recently started dating again after 2 years, and has found that she sleeps with guys because they like her, but doesn’t really know if she likes them. She ends up being treated badly and no relationship is sustainable.

    Mark finds himself so attracted to his partners that his body takes over and he premature ejaculates. This he finds embarrassing and has been denigrated for by his ex wife, which further erodes his sexual self-confidence.

    Dot finds her interest in sex with her husband has diminished greatly after 15 years of marriage and she finds the same sexual routine boring and tedious. She thinks it might possibly be due to peri-menopause but is uncertain. She is concerned as to the consequence of her lack of interest in her relationship, especially since she has a new co-worker whom she fantasies about daily.

    Joe at 60 years of age gets excited when there is an invitation to be sexually intimate with his partner, but when it comes to penetration he loses his erection.

    Sarah has been a catholic nun her whole adult life and having never experienced sexual intimacy finds herself exhausted all the time.

     

    The Question

    The question that nearly always arises is “Am I normal?” The quick answer: YES! Emily Nagoski so eloquently put it:

     

    “When you embrace your sexuality precisely as it is right now,

    that’s the context that creates the greatest potential for ecstatic pleasure” (2015:p 6)

     

    A Little Science

    Before plunging further into the realm of sexual pleasure, here’s a little science.

    The Dual Control model of human sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, provides an organizing principle for understanding the true story of sex. It is a contemporary concept of mechanisms rooted in the central nervous system that controls human sexual behaviours. The idea is that sexual response is a result of the “interaction between sexual excitatory and sexual inhibitory processes.” In other words, some things push us towards sex and other things push us away from sex, and how we feel about sex at any given time depends on which force is currently greater.

    “Your own SIS and SES, and their relationship to your mood or anxiety, are unique and individual. The goal of understanding your brake and accelerator is not to understand “what men are like” versus “what women are like” but to understand what you are like. Unique, with great potential for awesomeness.” Emily Nagoski

    It turns out that sexual arousal, desire and orgasm are universal experiences. How we experience them depends on sensitivities of the sexual brake and accelerator, how they work together, and what stimuli they are given as to whether we feel turned on or not. The way our internal response system is organised is in no way better or worse than another; we are simply unique in our responses. We are all different. We are all the same. We are all normal.

     

    What Is the Erotic Brain and Safe Brain?

    Simplifying the science of sexual arousal we can colloquially call the SES the Erotic Brain, and the SIS the Safe Brain.

    A. Erotic Brain = Sexual accelerator, (SES) Sexual Excitation System.

    This is the Yes brain. What turns you on? The Erotic Brain:

    * is where our sexual inhibitions are minimal, our sexual fantasies get to be played out, where there are very few boundaries, and gender roles are fluid.

    * functions to pursue sexual desire.

    * is continually scanning for opportunities, for sexually relevant material.

    * sends signals to your brain through your senses that are sexually stimulating, turning you on.

    * can have a low, medium or high sexual accelerator. High SES often means sex is most likely used to de-stress.

    * also relates to how we can be beckoned, as Dr Stan Tatkin coins it, attracted through our senses.

     

    B. Safe Brain = Sexual brake, (SIS) Sexual Inhibition System.

    On the other side of the spectrum is the Safe Brain, the No Brain. What turns you off?

    The Safe Brain can be the sum of all the personal, cultural and familial taboos, restrictions, beliefs and inhibitions you absorbed as a child. From a systemic perspective, sex is influenced by the generational stories and unacknowledged fates of those who came before. They are the stories of those who need to be seen and acknowledged that we play out and find ourselves often bound by.

    The Safe Brain:

    * consists of External and Internal brakes, when engaged can create low arousal due to internal fears (i.e., premature ejaculation) or external fears (i.e., pregnancy or STIs),

    * continually scans for threats, whether perceived or real, filtering input influenced by beliefs and fears,

    * scans the environment for reasons not to be aroused,

    * sends neurological signals to the brain to turn off,

    * can have low, medium or high sexual inhibition system.

    * A high Safe Brain may view only certain conditions or environments as safe where you can feel relaxed and have a trusting elicit arousal.

    * also can make us aware of how we can be beckoned in a way that works for us rather than turned off.

     

    Esther Perel highlights the interplay between the erotic and the safe brain and our response to sexual stimuli by saying:

     “Sex is vulnerable and risky; in this sense, there’s no ‘safe sex’..…..

    Erotic passion is defiant and unpredictable – which leaves many people

    feeling separate and vulnerable. (2003)

     

    Erotic Brain vs Safe Brain – How they can work together?

    Each brain comes with inherent qualities. If out of balance with one brain ruling more than the other, we find ourselves in situations that can be overwhelming, frightening or disheartening. Understanding our own internal erotic interplay creates safe and exciting ways to enhance and sustain a rich erotic life, especially if openly communicated to our partner(s).

    The ability to understand our own unique sexual arousal system, through enquiring into the influencers that have contributed to the cultivation, for instance of a high accelerator or high brake, gives us the ability to change it. As Dan Siegel rightly exclaims, “Name it and you can tame it” (2014). Once this depth of acceptance and awareness is established within ourselves we are able to respond accordingly and educate our partners. This to many, means deeper connection that adds adventure and aliveness to our relationships. Furthermore, as Stan Tatkin often eludes to, we are able to add this information to developing a manual on how our partners work, in this case to our sexual arousal system.

    Enquiring, into whether the influencers in developing our sexual arousal system are cultural, systemic, familial, religious or personal decisions, is essential to unravelling the interplay between both brains and to cultivating a collaborative internal experience. Such an interactive dance between the two brains can bring about a rich and fulfilling sexual adventure, a renewed sense of freedom and connection, not only within oneself as we accept our uniqueness, but also with our partner with whom we are able to connect more profoundly and playfully.

     

    Returning Guests

    Lets go back to Lucy whose Erotic Brain rules when she is dating, with little Safe Brain online. We could look at her inherent belief ‘if I don’t sleep with him he will leave’, or at how Lucy can de-stress in other ways than sex. We could have Lucy dialogue between her two brains to initiate a collaborative relationship so that her safe brain leads and the erotic brain follows, at least at the beginning of a relationship, allowing Lucy to discern what is safe and adventurous, with sustainability. 

    “People often end up in affairs to break from what they imagine is predictable boredom. Often when the “dull partner” ends up having an affair the other is surprised. This is because the supposedly familiar partner is in fact mysterious and unknown” Esther Perel (2015)

    Mark, on the other hand, had his Erotic Brain taking over and was not working in collaboration with his Safe Brain or sexual brake. With no brake online, this meant his arousal heightened and resulted in premature ejaculation. A dialogue within him between the Erotic Brain and Safe Brain proved remarkably successful allowing Mark to no longer experience pre-mature ejaculation.

    Esther Perel noted that in Dot’s case, one would challenge “the idea that security inside the relationship and adventure outside means pointing out that the familiarity we seek to impose on the other kills desire.”  Does Dot have outdated cultural frames, hidden loyalties or familial experiences that have indicated that sex within marriage is boring, a duty and dies as we age? Often we see parents move to separate beds, complain about the other’s sexual desire and that they are not interested. Unfortunately children tend to take on this frame without question. In this case, the Safe Brain overly engages in certain settings and time frames. For instance, when a partner becomes pregnant we are not culturally inclined to view mothers as sexual. Cultural beliefs about age and sex also engage the Safe Brain which diminishes arousal.

    From the perspective of New York Psychoanalyst, Stephan Mitchell, who wrote ‘Can Love Last?’ “Safety is presumed, not a given, but a construction” (2003)

    “A sexual relationship is like learning a script neither of you has read. But you only notice this when one of you forgets your lines. And then, in the panic, you desperately try and remember something that you haven’t really forgotten. You hope the other person will prompt you. You start to hear voices off stage. You bring on another character.” Adam Phillips (1996:p)

    The question bids to be asked, do you know how to enliven your partner’s passion and your own passion over time? Will your romance fade over time or become riskier?

    This brings us to Joe whose sexual brake engages at the most precarious moment; when entering his partner he loses his erections. What has been his experience of sex? Why does his Safe Brain engage in “no” at such a delicious moment? What overshadows his sexual innocence that needs to be separated, explored and maybe left where it belongs? How can he engage his Erotic Brain during sex? What is the turn off?

    Sarah, a Catholic nun, is the same, different and normal too. Her sexual brake was nurtured by her religious beliefs causing her Safe brain to rule and trap all her sexual energy. Sarah was unable to tap into this energy and utilise it on a daily basis in her responsibilities. Once she accepted that she also has an Erotic Brain, she felt more energised and was able to channel this sexual energy into her daily duties. Even nuns have Erotic Brains.

    “If you’re having trouble with any phase of sexual response, it would be wise to start by asking yourself: “Is it because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated enough? Or… is there something that’s hitting my brakes?” — Once you know whether it’s a problem with the accelerator or the brakes, you can figure out how to create the change you want in your sex life.”

    Emily Nagoski (2015:p50)

    Furthermore,“[p]hysical pleasure offers a unique haven for many men and women; the soothing powers of the body make it the place for freedom of expression. It’s only during sex that they’re able to escape their anxieties and obsessive ruminations. The physical pleasure tunes out the numbing stress of the everyday. It provides solace and self revelation, along with a sense of connections.” Esther Perel (2003)

    As Daphne Merkin suggests, the hindering of our erotic intelligence is epidemic because “in fact what most people don’t talk about when they talk about sex is still almost everything — everything, that is, that shakes up our reassuring notions of the normative, everything that doesn’t fit into the confining model of heterosexual adult behaviour endorsed by our progressive but underlyingly puritanical society”.

    Which one rules you? Safe Brain or Erotic Brain? Take the Quiz in Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come As you Are’ and discover for yourself. Then lets talk to each other about it! 

    Workshop

    Brenda Sutherland is presenting ‘My Sexual Self & I” at the Australasian Constellation Intensive in Feb/Mrch 2018 in Sydney to find out more go to: http://constellationintensive.com/guest-presenters/

    References

    Alberchtsen, Janet, (2018) Bad Sex? No, It’s Girl Power Gone Wrong,  The Weekend Australian 20-21 January.

    De la Torre, Paula, (2017) Sexual Brakes and Accelerators., Howl Magazine, 29 March.

    Cited https://www.howlnewyork.com/single-post/2017/03/28/Your-Sexual-Brakes-Accelerators

    Janssen, Erick & Bancroft, John, (2007) The Dual Control Model: The Role of Sexual Inhibition and Excitation in Sexual Arousal and Behaviour. The Psychophysiology of Sex. Indiana University Press. Bloomington, IN. Retrieved http://www.indiana.edu/~sexlab/files/pubs/JanssenBancroft.pdf

    Janssen E., Vorst H., Finn P., Bancroft J., (2002) The Sexual Inhibition (SIS) and Sexual Excitation (SES) Scales: I. Measuring sexual inhibition and excitation proneness in men. Journal Sex Research. May: 39(2):114-26. Cited https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12476243

    Mitchell, Stephen (2003), Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time, Norton Professional Books. http://icpla.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Mitchell-S.-Can-Love-Last-Safety-and-Adventure-Chap-1-Pp.31-57.pdf

    Merkin, Daphne, (2000) Behind Closed Doors, The New York Times Magazine, 3 December. Cited  http://www.nytimes.com/2000/12/03/magazine/behind-closed-doors-the-last-taboo.html

    Nagoski, Emily, (2015) Come As You Are, Scribe Publications, United Kingdom.

    Perel, Esther, (2003, 2014) Erotic Intelligence, Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity., Psychotherapy Networker Inc., May/June. Cited https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/832/erotic-intelligence

    https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/415/erotic-intelligence

    Phillips, Adam, (1996) Monogamy, Pantheon Books, New York.

    Siegel, Dan (2014) cited by Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDLzppD4Jc

    Take the Sexual Temperament quiz in Emily Nagoski’s book to find out how your SIS and SES work.  http://www.emilynagoski.com/new-page/